20 April 2015

FEC Elevators

A recent item on the Inmates Committee (IC) agenda featured Mr. OCD's proposed policy for Elevator rules and regulations Etiquette. It came to his attention that the elevator company cannot continue to send repair men here every other day for malfunctions. Upper Levels in the Chain of Command are unhappy with the expenditure. And the company won't admit that elevators have minds of their own at inconvenient times. Up for discussion -

To All Tenants Inmates:
Let's work harmoniously to keep maintenance calls at a minimum:
● Pushing the down button when you are going up does not make Elevator change direction.
● Placing Elevator on hold at your floor while you go brush your teeth and check your email is a no-no.
● Stop jabbing the button repeatedly while you are waiting. Elevator knows who you are and bides its time for revenge.
● When you are inside and the door opens, please check the floor number on the wall. Elevator does tricks with the digital displays or sometimes takes a siesta and goes blank.
● When you are inside and the door does NOT open, never panic. Practice deep breathing like Jabindagar taught us in the yoga class. Call the Super on that phone in the box. He will get back to you when he remembers to look at his messages. Sit down ~ if you are able ~ to wait. It's time to break out the Smarties you have in your pocket. Share, if you have other marooned companions. Do not call the elevator company. Do not call Mr. OC. Do not call your lawyer.
● People, no more than ten (10) inmates occupants at one time: City regulation! We could be fined! Remember, a walker-frame takes the space of two people. Laundry hampers, try for any day except Saturday.

Let's practice basic Etiquette:
● We encourage you to greet your neighbours while Elevator is in transit but do not keep blocking the door open while you socialize. It makes Elevator antsy for payback time.
● Sometimes Elevator is going up when you want to go down; either get on and enjoy the ride or shut up about it.
● Above all, avoid language that is abusive, sexist, or racist. Complaint forms for the human rights tribunal are located in the mail room.
● It is acceptable to be wearing a light touch of perfume on entering Elevator. Unless Bella is on it. It is unacceptable to add any additional smell while moving and/or the doors are closed.
● No groping or premature undressing. Do not force us to install cameras.
● Take your dog down the stairs if it has a stomach complaint.
● Bicyclists, your vehicles belong in the bike racks outside. Besides, air yourself out first; your sweat stinks.
● Drivers of electric scooters should avoid elevators at peak times. Preferably at all times. Otherwise please park in the garage and crawl to your apartment.
● If the man with the beard from the 7th floor asks you for money, refer him to Simon the Manager. Do not call Mr. OCD.

Mr. OCD beams proudly at the IC members. "Shall we approve?" he asks.
Ms Etoile: "Brilliant. Oh, I say, brilliant!" Raising her arm for a high five, Mr. OCD misinterprets and ducks, spraining his shoulder.
George: "Very thorough, old chap. But suggest we ditch your favourite word harmoniously."
Bella: "My allergy is a serious issue!"
Ophelia: "Darling, so is whatever you've got in that 'water' bottle."
Luther: "You forgot: in case of close confinement always have a pack of cards with you."
Ms Etoile: "Or a book!"
George: "What? ... lug a man purse into Elevator every time I leave home?"
Gonzo: "Archie is gonna freak about the scooters [heavy sigh]. One lawsuit at a time ... "
Mr. OCD: "Don't go there, Gonzo!!"

Majority approval, rules and regulations notices duly posted, and Mr. OCD hobbles home looking for the Voltaren tube. Now Daphne can complain once more about too many posters to read. Daphne is the only one who reads them.

Another feckless day in the life ...

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