02 February 2014

FEC The Library

Saturday morning librarian (SML) opens up for duty in the compact FEC library. The biggest circulation is in crime fiction but we also cater to literature on the fine arts as befitting the inmates residents. Theatre of course. Chief Librarian (Chief) promotes subdivisions: film, radio/television, opera, dance, musicians. Biographies of celebrities are hot. The cataloguing system involves a complicated rainbow of coloured dots to paste on the spines, on the cards, all over fingers, and the desk. Our budget is minimal since the Inmates Committee has issues with Chief. May whoever stole our stapler suffer terminal fires of guilt.

First off, did anyone return books overnight? Not likely, as due date is rather meaningless among the geriatric fringe. Don't try to sit down yet because there's Fred at the door yelling. His scooter can't enter the doorway so he shouts out his orders or personal preferences.

Fred: "Got any books here?!" His favourite joke. He favours Tom Clancy.
SML: "Hold your shirt. I'll find you something new."
Daphne (in the hall): For god's sake, Fred. You're blocking the doorway."
Fred (jovially): "Shut up you old cow."
Daphne squirms past and sinks into a chair for extended socializing.
Gerald shuffles in sheepishly to hand over a book. He is the only inmate resident to support the history subdivision.
Gerald: "Here's a return. Uh, I can't find the Churchill."
Daphne: "Gordon, you're always losing books."
SML: "It's Gerald."
Enter Sally: "Gimme that new Peter Robinson."
Fred (jocular): "Gordon, that's a thousand-dollar fine!" Exit with Clive Cussler.
SML: "It's Gerald."
Gerald (adjusts hearing aid): "Fine? Yes, it was fine." Goes to browse.
Enter Rose: "I just came to help."
SML: "Someone else has it now, Sally. I'll put you on the waiting list."
Daphne: "Gordon freaks me out, y'know ...".
SML: "Gerald. It's Gerald."
Daphne: "He was never right in the head when I knew him at CBC. He can't hear me anyway."
Sally (angry): "What kind of library doesn't have two copies of everything?!"
Rose (cooing): "I'll help put these books away."
SML: "OUR library."
Daphne: "And his dog has worms. I can tell."
Sally slips a book into her handbag.
SML: "No thanks Rose, please don't." Rose means well but she has alphabet disorder.
Enter Bella, creeping quietly to the Donna Leon section.
SML: "Where ya going with that book, Sally?"
CRASH.
Rose just dropped half the DVD collection on the floor.
Rose (wailing): "I was only trying to find Camelot!"
Bella (tartly): "Who's going to pick them up, I ask. None of us can bend over."
Sally (howls with glee): "Bella, that's 'cause you spent too much time in your youth bending over for the stage hands!"
Enter Jeremy: "Who's sitting in my chair?"
Daphne: "I worked with Bob Goulet, you know. He wasn't half as charming as people seem to ..."
Sally: "Fuck off, Daphne."
Jeremy (primly): "What a dirty mouth for a sweet little old lady."
Rose stares unhappily at the DVDs.
Sally: SNORT.
Exit Bella with the latest Donna Leon.
Gerald dithers between World War I and World War II.
Daphne: "I'll have you know I knew them all. Now take Chris Plummer, for instance ..."
SML: "Daphne, let Jeremy have the chair."
Exit eye-rolling Sally with Fifty Shades of Grey.
Jeremy (mournfully): "My dear, my ancient bones hobbled here from my lonely flat to enjoy the company. If only you served tea."
Daphne (sniffily): "Well. Not much of a sociable mood here today."
Exit Daphne with Goldie Hawn biography.
Rose decides to push the DVDs into a corner with her foot.
Jeremy: "I was thinking of refreshing northern air. What's the name of that man, you know, the one who went to live with the Eskimos?"
Chief sticks his head in. "Hello-ello, all. Whatever are you doing, Rose?"
SML: "Inuit. Have you read James Houston?"
Rose is searching for an answer.
Jeremy: "Or maybe whatshername? Have you got her biography?"
SML: "Jeremy, it's five minutes to closing. Do you want a book or not?"
Exit Rose with Four Weddings and a Funeral.
Jeremy: "Oh dahhhling, just choose something for me."
Chief: "Tickety-boo, I can see. Well, I'm off to rehearsal, my loves."
Gerald: "Rehearsal? Did I miss it?" Exits with Mountbatten.
Exit Jeremy (slowly) with The One Hundred Year Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared.
SML: SIGH.
Check the paperback section to see what else Sally might have purloined. Or if someone fell asleep behind the biographies.

A feckless day in the life ...

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